2012. I wish I could say with any sort of conviction that I'm ready to see you go. The truth is, I'm not. A new year brings yet another milestone that puts distance between me and a best friend lost. Yes, milestones work in reverse.... Instead of triumphing in growing and becoming, I am painfully aware of the minutes as they tick away and disintegrate what we once had. The holidays are a time to spend with loved ones, a time to remember loved ones departed. I can tell you, for me, it's true. There is an odd comfort in missing him, in remembering and letting the tears come. The sadness means a part of him is still here. Maybe when he crosses my mind, it is because he is thinking of me. I realize perhaps that's a ridiculous notion, but I cling to it anyway.
Hand-in-hand with the passing of my dear horse, this has also been the year of perseverance. For so long I thought I would never have the opportunity to have a passion other than horses, something that I could pour myself into and possibly support my family... eventually. We should all be so lucky--to find that thing we love to do so much we would do it for free. Last year I realized I wanted to write something, just to see if I had it in me. As the words found their way to the page, a long-dormant part of me awakened. Purpose. Life.
And then I lost Moe, and, for a while, my purpose, too.
For so many weeks--months, even--following his passing, I stared at my laptop, fingers frozen in place. It would take me an entire day to form a few sentences, and even those lacked the spark of joy. Still, I pressed on, knowing there was no choice. I kept at it until I completed my second draft in October, took a week off, and dove back in to my next installment. There was no other choice. I could never be happy with this story left in limbo, one more thing to mourn.
2012 has been a year of dramatic change in my life and in myself. I've not figured out how to spin it all positively, because some things simply do not have a silver lining. But I am still here, and I'm glad you are, too.
May 2013 be a year of restoration and blessing for us all. I think most of us could use that.
2012 really was a big year for you!
ReplyDeleteI feel like anyone reading this must wonder what in the world my kids were up to most of this year, since I spent most of my time crying, riding, and writing. I'm happy that other than teenage growing pains, the kids have been relatively quiet (not literally). That's not the norm for us, so it's nice not to have much to say there....
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