The Tapestry Of

When I posted my rant about wishy-washy birth partners the other day, the call to arms I so cleverly titled "This One's For the Fellas", I never dreamed that 100+ people would read it.  I imagined a few would skim it and the husband hate mail would begin piling in, but never 100-something sets of eyeballs on my frustrated words.

So far so good on the husband hate mail.  I'll give it time.  And, no, that's not an invitation.  I love you guys, really.  Just not as much when you're being a pain in the behind.

On my Facebook wall, where I originally posted this, I explained to my friends that I'd written "This One's For the Fellas" over a year ago when I'd had the displeasure of meeting a couple of particularly unsupportive husbands.  One man completely belittled his wife (and, frankly, myself) in public and then left abruptly in the middle of our interview, leaving her to blush and apologize for him when she needed an apology from him more than I did.  Luckily, for as many clueless, borderline abusive relationships I've come across in my life and in my work as a doula, I've been blessed to know so many really connected couples and birth partners who go above and beyond.  It's amazing to see this first-hand, but really a wake-up call to me when I come across a crumbling situation.

As a doula, I don't have a psychology degree.  I'm not qualified to help these families in any way other than preparing themselves for birth.  But I still see it.  The very primal essence of birth brings all of these emotions to the surface without any effort.  If there's a rift in your marriage, I probably will get a good glimpse at it.  If you have fear or scars from past abuse, I can guess they exist based on how you bring your baby into the world.  Maybe it's science or something else explainable, but I prefer to think it's intuition and knowing after watching a hundred families interact.  Or not interact.

We are a hopelessly intricate tapestry woven with the bitter threads of daddy issues and doubts and insecurities.  Each one of us are beautiful and tragic works of art.

I cannot fix a lifetime of problems in a few short months.  But I can hold witness to it.  I can say, yes, I see it.  Yes, it happened.  You aren't crazy.

I do not expect to right the wrongs of a thousand inattentive partners in a few short paragraphs.  On the other hand, I do not wish to rile up all of the volatile pregnant women, either.  But this matters, what you are doing as a unit.  You are creating a new person who will be a confusing, glorious jumble of threads from you and your partner.  This baby deserves your very best, not only for him or her, but also for your relationship.

Families leave me short weeks after baby arrives, and our communications usually go the way of the buffalo.  But I always wonder what becomes of the struggling partners after our silence is established.  What becomes of the wriggling child I watched gulp its first breath of being?  Is this as good as it gets, this outpouring of love and joy at the birth of this child?

I hope not.