Heart Breaking

Tonight, with the sun setting beyond us, we sat together in the paddock.   I took his head in my hand, rubbing his favorite spot, willing him to crane his neck in pleasure but only hopeful my love would trasmit through my fingers and my nearness.  Do you want to keep trying?  Do you want me to let you go?  His answer was a long, soul-searching look I never thought him capable of, then a roll to his side.  In the liquid of his eye, the clouds swirled.  I could see Heaven, and I believe he could see it, too.  His dreams no longer of meeting me at the fence, begging for a treat; but of old things made new, the celestial breeze lifting his flaxen mane as he galloped across paradise.

He is not gone yet.  I am not yet sure if now is our time to part, but tonight I am mourning.  I mourn for the horse he was before yesterday morning.  I mourn because he has endured so much in the last day because we had hope--such a dangerous thing sometimes.

I'm so sorry, Moe, if I've made the wrong choice in trying to hold you here with me.  After decades of you and I as a constant when nothing else was, I just don't know how to do this without you.  I really don't want to do this without you.

I love you.